11 hours ago
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
A New Attitude
I feel like a dark cloud has been following me around for a couple months now. I felt like I was just moving through the days in a fog. Even the spirit of the Yule and Christmas season, which I usually love, proved elusive to me this year. Oh, don't get me wrong. I enjoyed the family time and the beautiful lights and decorations and I miss the Christmas songs not playing on the radio any longer. But there was definitely something missing in it all this year for me. The whole season seemed to be over even before it started. Feeling depresses sucks and I woke up this morning not wanting to feel that way anymore.
I know where it was all coming from. My mind and spirit have been bogged down with worries and fears about the future for awhile now. I think every possible thing that could possibly go wrong when my son and I move to the ranch this summer has gone through my mind in slow, methodical detail at least once the last few weeks. I have lain awake many nights tossing and turning with my stomach all tied up in knots. What if I can't find a job when we get there? What if my son hates his new school? What if...what if? The what if's are about to drive me crazy. Then there is the knowledge that I will be hurting someone that I care very deeply about. I imagine him here...alone...and my heart wants to break. I have to keep reminding myself that he is making a choice the same as I am. He wants to stay...I want to go.
My daughter was late coming home yesterday morning to watch Tino for me while I went to work and when she finally got here I really let into her. I mean, yes, I was mad. She was late and not for a very good reason--but, my reaction was way over the top. I think it was all of the emotions bubbling around inside me just spilling over and erupting. I even burst into tears after a long, loud tirade. Kind of embarrassing now that I think back on it. I mean, I'm the Mom. I am supposed to stay in control, right? Always be on an even keel. I was about as far off from even as you can get, LOL. I have to admit, though, I did feel a little bit better afterwards. I don't think I did anything that will require my kids to get therapy later on in life--at least I hope not.
This morning I woke up with a new attitude. I'm not real sure where it came from, I'm just glad it decided to show up. For the first time through all this muck, I was not thinking about everything that could go wrong. I was actually thinking about what just might go right.
I found myself daydreaming about the type of job that just might be waiting for me. A better job. Something that I might enjoy a whole lot more than what I am doing right now. Hey, I appreciate even having a job right now, during these hard times, but cleaning other people's toilets is not exactly a dream come true. It is what it is--pretty good money and great hours--and I am thankful for it. But, I can dream, can't I, LOL.
I grew up riding horses but never really had the money or the property to own a horse after I got out on my own. Going back to the ranch will mean that I can get back into riding again. I let myself imagine what it will feel like to feel the fingers of the wind blowing through my hair and that amazing energy that you can tangibly feel when you and a horse really become one--when it's body almost feels like an extension of your own. There is nothing like that--not that I have found anyway.
And those are just a few of the thoughts that were meandering through my mind today. It felt really, really good. I think I may even have had a smile on my face a time or two and that is a very welcome change.